First Day of Fall

Today is the first day of fall. Throughout my life I have always enjoyed this time of year, but for the last few years; well two to be exact it has become a melancholy time for me. Although on the outside I like to maintain a "happy" facade inside I feel quite differently. It was only two years ago that we realized Dad would not see Christmas. It was in September that I brought the boys home to see their Grandfather for the last time. We all knew it was the last time, which made the trip bittersweet.

Dad was so excited to see the boys. He had a list of all of the things he wanted to do with them none of which he would fulfill. To this day I still have the list! Time was of the essence now, especially since he was on a time line. He still felt reasonably well so an outing was planned to Starbucks the morning after we arrived. We jumped out of the car and began walking toward the coffee shop and suddenly his legs collapsed and he had to steady himself on Alex and I. It took a moment, but he regained his strength and we continued the short distance to a chair. Once seated we all sat stunned by what had just happened. What did just happen? When we talked to the hospice nurse she said that the body begins to die in the limbs and usually the legs go first. We had just witnessed the first signs that he would not live forever nor even for long. It was a sad time; a time of many prayers, tears and difficult choices.

We each assumed our role. My mother was the caregiver, sister support and I the leader. I spent countless hours with my dad. In fact, I spent more time with him than anyone else. We planned the details of who should be called when the inevitable happened, what bills had to be paid and what documents had to signed, etc. I took him for his last car ride, hair cut and shopping at London Drugs. He had been there for all of my "firsts" and I was there for all of his "lasts". Every night I prayed until I fell asleep. Yes, it is possible to pray and weep at the same time.

I will be writing more about this over the next few weeks as we approach the anniversary of his passing.